It’s been a while since I updated my blog; much longer than planned. As I recently Tweeted, sometimes life takes over. In most ways, not much has happened or changed in the time since I last wrote but, as ever, my own roller coaster continues! This post is going to be a bit of an update and catch-up post so it will be a bit more fragmented than other blog posts but (hopefully) equally as entertaining.
Where I Left Off
My last blog entry was mid-March and described my journey getting a Prince Albert piercing. The ‘Coming Next…’ tagline on that post was ‘Slurpee Cuck, Parachutes and Mon…’. This takes us back slightly, to the start of March. During some kink relating internet reading/research, I stumbled upon a 2-minute YouTube teaser from Venus Cuckoldress about an upcoming podcast episode featuring Slurpee Cuck. The topic of the podcast was around the negatives and problems that can arise for couples who engage in cuckolding.
If you’ve read my previous blog posts, you’ll know that I’m a huge overthinker and since opening up to R about my fantasies of her with others sexually, I kind of bounce from problem to problem, mostly in my own head and of my own doing! You’ll also know that I read and research about kink almost fanatically! Let me tell you, there’s not much information out there about the negatives and problems that can come from entering into a kink/alternative lifestyle; you only tend to read the positive side (and the pure fantasy side of course). To have an experienced cuck open up about the negative aspects of the lifestyle was more than refreshing and I made sure to listen to the podcast at my earliest opportunity.
Needless to say, it was a very open, honest, and informative podcast and I found it was unique in its content. Many of the negative connotations and themes struck a chord with me. Slurpee Cuck had been through what I’m entering into/going through at the moment, and he offered some great advice about dealing with many different aspects of the lifestyle. He also explained some of the mistakes he made along the way, some of which I have already made myself (setting rules and retracting).
I felt obliged to get in touch; mostly to say thanks. It wasn’t long before we were conversing via DM on Twitter. More great advice, and we quickly struck up a friendship. I felt that I finally found a real person that I could talk to about kink and my ongoing kink related mental battles and problems.
In the days that followed the podcast, there was a real buzz on Twitter and subsequent Venus podcasts. So much so that a second Venus podcast was scheduled along with a Mon chat for interested people to discuss topics arising from the podcast. If you haven’t encountered the Mon app yet, please check it out at https://themonapp.com. I’ve had the Mon app installed for a while now but unfortunately, the majority of the rooms I’m interested in take place at very unsociable hours due to the time difference to the UK. When I checked the room details, this room was scheduled for 7pm (UK time) and on an evening where most of the children are out the house attending clubs etc. I earmarked my attendance and set a reminder.
In my professional life, I don’t really have problems meeting, speaking and presenting to unfamiliar people/audiences. That night, I remember feeling nervous and a bit hesitant to mark myself as a ‘participant’ rather than just a ‘listener’ in the Mon room. Before long, the other participants and conversations again struck a chord with me, and I couldn’t help but interact. This was my first actual verbal conversation about kink, other than with R. It was great to feel like part of a community and it really helped me to describe my current dynamic and a few of the problems I have encountered. I also got chance to thank Slurpee Cuck again. It was also a real thrill to be chatting with Venus having listened to countless Venus Cuckoldress podcasts. I think she’s something of a celebrity in the online communities I frequent.
Letting go remains an issue for me. The advice from Slurpee Cuck on this was to ‘Let your partner be your parachute’. This really rang true and was something I felt I could really relate to. I trust R totally. I trust that whatever she does, it will be for the betterment of our relationship and marriage, and that whatever I go through, she will be there to catch me. When I’m metaphorically falling, she will be my parachute. This is already the case with R in so many other areas of life. Of course, it remains hard to let go, but this statement really helped me understand things better.
The Experiment
It was around mid-March and R could tell that I just wasn’t feeling it. I don’t remember how it came about but I began to question our dynamic, being caged and FLR. I wasn’t in a great place mentally. I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t sure why. I certainly wasn’t feeling like myself. We talked it over and R was very supportive. She unlocked me and later suggested that I remain out for a longer period of time to see how I felt about being unlocked. R suggested the next two weeks as a good test period, until the end of the March. This made me feel very nervous, but I decided to look upon it as a kind of experiment; an opportunity to see if I could still be everything I wanted to be but whilst unlocked (attentive, productive, patient etc).
It felt very strange being unlocked beyond a day or two. It was exciting to begin with but quickly became difficult. Even though my cock was right there, it wasn’t my decision if I could pleasure myself. And the erections (both morning and random) started again. If anything, sex and my penis became even more prominent in my thoughts. It was very difficult to refrain, and I didn’t like trying to. It was hard to keep my mind off sex and the fact I had access to my cock again really didn’t help matters! It was very tiring. I was tempted to ask R if I could put my cage back on but I was also intrigued to see how being unlocked for longer would work out and to see it through. It wasn’t that long ago I was reading about the ‘2 Week Locked-In Love Challenge‘ where participants were challenged to spend two weeks in chastity. I was doing it the other way around!
I did manage two weeks out of chastity. It seems strange to describe it in that way. Other locked subs will no doubt understand.
My thoughts/findings from 2 weeks unlocked are:
- It was much quicker to pee! I don’t have great difficulty when caged but it’s definitely easier when uncaged.
- I have far less patience with pretty much everything. Mundane tasks, other people, colleagues, and my family. My fuse was much shorter, and I was much more prone to being short, snappy or shouty.
- Motivation was lower. This applies to more or less everything. It was harder to find the ‘get up and go’ that I usually have.
- It took about 3-4 days to begin to fall out of the good habits of our FLR. Attentiveness decreased even though I was making conscious effort to try to retain it.
- It was beyond amazing that R and I could spontaneously connect sexually. But, once that began to happen, expectation crept in, and it wasn’t long before old issues regarding opposite sex drives returned.
- My sexual performance went back to something closer to how I remember it. After 3-4 orgasms over the space of a few days, the next time we fucked (accurately described as fucking as opposed to making love or having sex) I felt like I could have gone on for much longer had R have wanted me to. I had expected this to bring me much more satisfaction that it did. It just seems like for whatever reason, I can’t win! I know R is happy and fulfilled sexually and that’s all that I really need to be concerned about right now.
- Communication is harder when I’m unlocked. Opening up is tougher though I’m not sure I can explain why, it just is.
Overall, I was massively shocked how reliant I have become on chastity. I’m in no doubt that I’m a better everything locked up. Husband, father, lover, partner, leader; almost every aspect of me is better when I’m locked. That is a very scary realisation and statement to make.
I’m not at a point where I dislike the unlocked version of me but there are aspects of ‘locked me’ which I thought were a part of ‘normal me’. Even with conscious effort to retain these aspects, I don’t think they remained prominent or obvious enough for that to be true.
This also caused me to look back at my professional career. I had always assumed that children were the big motivational factor in my career progression and advancement. I have multiple dependencies to provide for. Undoubtedly, they have been a driving factor. However, the timings of career progression and change in pace for my career sit very nicely alongside the years in which I’ve been locked. I wonder how much of my professional success can be attributed to the fact I was locked up? Probably much more than I had ever realised.
Holiday
Towards the end of the experiment, I had some planned leave from work. I didn’t go on holiday/vacation away from home, it was just for rest and relaxation and to get some of the larger DIY tasks around the house done. This time went largely as planned. I got the tasks I had planned completed, even with a lack of motivation. However, a few things stood out:
- I could not reach a point where I felt relaxed, rested, or recuperated. I’m good at switching off from work and I only logged in twice all week. I felt tired throughout.
- I felt like there was a grey cloud over me all week. It felt like something was looming over me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I assumed it was that my return to work was swiftly approaching although this had never bothered me before and I wasn’t dreading returning to work at all really.
R’s Night Out
It was approaching the end of my time off work and the 2 week experiment. I hadn’t paid it much mental attention to the fact that at the start of April, R had a girls night out planned. Opportunities for R to be promiscuous a few and far between and this night had a high likelihood of being one of ‘those nights’ where opportunity my arise. I’d known it was coming for months but until this point I’d been looking forward to what it may bring. The point in which I realised I wasn’t looking forward to it was as R began to get ready.
We unexpectedly had family visiting as R excused herself to begin getting ready. I had to try to carry on as normal as I felt like the grey cloud looming over me began to descend in, surrounding me. Worry and anxiety. I have no idea why it began at that point, but all I wanted to do was to sit with R as she got ready, to observe her and to talk to her. Instead, I was sat downstairs with close family, struggling to hold a conversation. By the time I managed to find an excuse and head upstairs, R was just about ready. She looked amazing (she always does, but when she’s dressed for going out even more so). I told her so and just stared at her whilst she observed herself in the mirror. She turned to me and asked ‘Are you ok? You look like you’re about to cry?!’. At this point I actually was on the verge of crying though I’m not sure I could have adequately explained why. She hugged me and said ‘I’ll behave tonight, you don’t need to worry’. I couldn’t form a verbal response other than to say ‘thank you’.
It was at that point that the grey cloud that was only a moment ago suffocating me had retracted and I realised what the cause was. It was very strange. I felt disappointed that R said she would ‘behave’ as she put it, but also overwhelmingly relieved.
R stayed in touch periodically throughout the evening and as it went past midnight I could tell that she was having fun, and also getting a bit drunk! I wasn’t sat at home worrying or even thinking about what she was doing, it was just a regular night out. It was good not to feel the angst. Just as I went to sleep, I received a message which woke me. It was a picture message. R was out with T, and she’d sent a fairly explicit picture of them both in the toilets at a club! If you have read my other blog posts, you will recall that T is the only person/friend that really knows the extend of our dynamic.
Another picture followed and my cock was instantly rock hard. It was nothing that I would describe as ‘not behaving’ and it was obviously R & T’s way of cheering me up. Boy did that work! After a short message conversation R gave me permission to ‘sort myself out’ which was a very quick activity with the pictures of the spurring me on! I didn’t mind this at all and fantasised about what else may be occurring between them. R arrived home very horny at about 4am. She woke me and rode me which was mind blowing. At the request of T, R sent her a picture of her on top of me, proving she was getting what she needed. I was in heaven. It was the first sex in a while that I didn’t over think, over analyse or get any feelings of inadequacy or underperformance.
In the days to come, R & T featured in two of the vivid sexual dreams I get every now and again, one with me and one without me. Until now all third parties that were with R in my dreams had been men. Definitely a new fantasy and a huge turn on.
And Now
It was only a day after that night that R told me to lock back up again. Honestly it was a relief in many ways. It took about 3 days to get back into my good FLR habits/routine and feel like I was giving R the attention she deserves. I’d almost forgotten how much I love to lick her pussy and how good it tastes. I couldn’t get enough! The desire to complete tasks and chores is taking a bit longer.
However, for whatever reason, the cloud still feels like it is above me. It’s much higher up and far from choking me, but it’s there. I’m still struggling to feel rested and energised. Motivation is slowly coming back.
Our dynamic and sex in general continues to be a cause of overthinking for me. Chastity is now firmly embedded in my psyche as a positive and something I know I need and want to continue with. Beyond that, opening our marriage in any way or measure remains confusing. It turns me on so much and I want it so badly, but it always seems to affect my mental state negatively for some reason. It’s very hard to explain. I’m obviously the jealous type and it would appear I don’t cope well with the cuck angst, even though my trust in R is complete and I know she is and will continue to ‘be my parachute’.
Saying that, if we had an opportunity for a threesome right now, I honestly think I’d jump at the chance! Even if I only lasted a few minutes and it quickly became about R and another man (or woman!). I certainly wasn’t bothered about R & T, quite the opposite. Maybe that’s just what’s needed as the next step in our dynamic.
In Summary
My plan going forward is to (somehow) disengage the overthinking area of my brain, ditch the looming cloud and just enjoy whatever comes – let R be my parachute. To feel good about myself, feel energised and vibrant again. I do plan to engage directly with the lifestyle and kink community more, time permitting. I think the Mon chat and dm’s with Slurpee Cuck were really beneficial.
My relationship with R remains strong, better than strong, to the point where I can’t imagine how it could get better but it somehow does.
Life in general is busy and feels tough right now but together we are able to take it in our stride. There will always be more opportunities, some of which will be totally unexpected and unplanned and one of them will be at the right time, in the right place, and with the right person/people.
Coming Next…
I have no idea! Hopefully not another big gap!
Feature Image by wirestock on Freepik
Careful What You Wish For 
One response to “19. Looming Clouds”
[…] strange old time over the last few months. Having had ‘the experiment’ which is detailed in my previous blog post, I was locked back up shortly after. At the start of the year, chastity was a mainstay of our […]
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